[guy wearing a ski mask holds a gun to my head] “please go skiing with me I am so alone”

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[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?


I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.


Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?

Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends

Lawyer: remember, you took an oath

Me: just one friend

Lawyer: an oath on the Bible

Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom


Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*

Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood

Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes


WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.


When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!


For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.


I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.

How’s your day going?


I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.