[First day of class at law school]
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
[guy wearing a ski mask holds a gun to my head] “please go skiing with me I am so alone”
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I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.