@IRLPepperMD

[guy wearing a ski mask holds a gun to my head] “please go skiing with me I am so alone”

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@Cheese_Pile

[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?

@TimfromDa70s

I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.

@LlamaInaTux

Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?

Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends

Lawyer: remember, you took an oath

Me: just one friend

Lawyer: an oath on the Bible

Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom

@RedRegenerated

Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*

Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood

Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes

@dave_cactus

WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.

@FunnyMojoJojo

When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!

@ceejoyner

For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.

@W0nderW0manW0w

I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.

How’s your day going?

@Rollinintheseat

I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.