Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
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my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
Overindulged this afternoon.
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
the prophecy has been fulfilled
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!