“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
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lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
Jokes on them. I took 10.
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.