Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
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[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
Mad Max Arctic Road
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news