Interviewer: may we contact your previous employers?
[cut to the giant grave in the desert where I buried them all]
Me: lol you could try
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
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me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
*texting with my mom*
Mom: I miss your handsome face!
Me: Aww..thanks, mom! I miss you too!
Mom: Sorry. Wrong number.
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.