GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
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Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
The two types of wives
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler