@ArfMeasures

GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is

ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal

GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good

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@_blotty

Him: you’re so beautiful. The moment you smiled at me,u had me
Me: that’s really sweet
Me in my head: I have a piece of my poo in my purse

@HeroineAddict

Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.

@ImaFlyontheWall

Bob: Who is that?
Me:That’s Ted, he’s the opposite of a hypochondriac..
Ted’s arm falls off
Ted: Hey guys!
Bob: Holy shit!
Ted: What, I’m ok

@flukyness

I just cut my hand on a box of band aids if you were wondering how I’m doing at life

@HeyZeus666

I lost a very dear friend and drinking buddy in a tragic accident this weekend. He got his finger caught in a wedding band.

@noog

[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”

@ShootyDoody

Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?

Me: 100%

@Annekinns

You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac

@amishschool

Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:

“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”