GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is

ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal

GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good

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Interviewer: may we contact your previous employers?

[cut to the giant grave in the desert where I buried them all]

Me: lol you could try


me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder

her: lol like what

me: well, most of its grandmas

her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see


*texting with my mom*

Mom: I miss your handsome face!

Me: Aww..thanks, mom! I miss you too!

Mom: Sorry. Wrong number.


I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.


ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done


hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities


if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute


ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time

HER: you mean ‘ravages’?

ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me


I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.