GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is

ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal

GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good

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Him: you’re so beautiful. The moment you smiled at me,u had me
Me: that’s really sweet
Me in my head: I have a piece of my poo in my purse


Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.


Bob: Who is that?
Me:That’s Ted, he’s the opposite of a hypochondriac..
Ted’s arm falls off
Ted: Hey guys!
Bob: Holy shit!
Ted: What, I’m ok


I just cut my hand on a box of band aids if you were wondering how I’m doing at life


I lost a very dear friend and drinking buddy in a tragic accident this weekend. He got his finger caught in a wedding band.


[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”


Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?

Me: 100%


You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac


Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class: