Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
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Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.