Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
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I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months