The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
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Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
It’s difficult to be romantic when your dog always eats the trail of McNuggets leading to the bedroom.
Dropping 11yo off at school.
11yo: Take Lankershim home, there will be less traffic.
Me: But then I’ll pass a McDonalds and I’ll want to stop.
11yo: You’ve only got about 40 years left. Live your life.
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)