Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
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The 5 signs of laziness
1.
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
i could never be president. im overqualified.
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze