GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
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me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?