@CourtneyBale

Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*

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@kaz474

Sitting out in my front yard pointing a hair dryer at speeding cars to see if any slow down.

@beefman138

PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.

ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.

@AmishPornStar1

“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”

“Sir, this is a library.”

*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”

@bewgtweets

My dad: you know how you Love Christmas

12 yo me: yes

My dad: How would you feel about two of them

@YourMomsucksTho

If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”

@KalvinMacleod

[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him