Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
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Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
Life with a cat in one tweet
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
The Weeknd is back
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore