@CourtneyBale

Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*

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@tangledteatime

An eight year old offered to sell me drugs. Isn’t that disgusting? Why would I pay when I can just beat him up and take them? He’s EIGHT.

@internetluke

[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan

@JennyJohnsonHi5

Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.

@BridgetPhetasy

Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.

@TweetPotato314

me: *responds maybe to a fb event*

wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY

@SeanEmeny

Before mustaches were invented, people had to just GUESS who owned a water bed

@thepaulahunt

“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.

@brittwastaken

I see you from across the room and falter. My breath catches as my pupils dilate with desire.

You, a muffin, remain motionless.

@ibid78

LAWYER: Your Honor, I’d like to approach the bench
BENCH: I have a boyfriend