sometimes i can’t believe Robert Pattinson is real
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
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What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
Sitting out in my front yard pointing a hair dryer at speeding cars to see if any slow down.
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.