An eight year old offered to sell me drugs. Isn’t that disgusting? Why would I pay when I can just beat him up and take them? He’s EIGHT.
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
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[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
Before mustaches were invented, people had to just GUESS who owned a water bed
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
I see you from across the room and falter. My breath catches as my pupils dilate with desire.
You, a muffin, remain motionless.
LAWYER: Your Honor, I’d like to approach the bench
BENCH: I have a boyfriend