Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
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My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
Moms. The original autocorrect.
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?