@truegritrumble

GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.

You Might Also Like

@IRLPepperMD

[guy wearing a ski mask holds a gun to my head] “please go skiing with me I am so alone”

@sarcasticmommy4

*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*

Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!

Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.

@LeonardCowalski

Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.

@IamEveryDayPpl

*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*

@lecalabara

Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.

@ThugRaccoons

Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?

Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.

Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL

Wife:

Me: OMG! Say something!

@TheToddWilliams

[blind date]

HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato

ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it

@SacamanoB

Whenever I wake up in a bad mood I always wear a shirt I don’t like just in case I turn into The Hulk.