GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.

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[guy wearing a ski mask holds a gun to my head] “please go skiing with me I am so alone”


*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*

Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!

Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.


Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.


*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*


Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.


Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?

Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.

Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL


Me: OMG! Say something!


[blind date]

HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato

ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it


Whenever I wake up in a bad mood I always wear a shirt I don’t like just in case I turn into The Hulk.