GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
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You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.