wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
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If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
*gets hit by car*
Friend: HOLY SHIT ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: I need.. My phone.. Please..
Me:YALL WON’T BELIEVE WHAT JUST HAPPENED
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
cashier: you need to pay for that candy bar
me: i don’t have any money
cashier: then put it back
me: *sliding him 20 dollars* how about we keep this between us