“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
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When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
Sometimes I’ll flush a few slices of pizza down the toilet just to let the Ninja Turtles know I miss them
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
High cholesterol food will always have a special place in my heart.
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
September in New England: what a beautiful season, it’s amazing to see how vibrant nature can be as the warm respite of summer gives way to the elegant cool of autumn
November in New England: maybe if I get lucky that old dead maple will fall on me and kill me