@LlamaInaTux

Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes

Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-

Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one

Me:

Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards

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@iwearaonesie

wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though

@de2theJay

If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.

@DaddyJew

Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.

@rachelle_mandik

never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science

@murfect

*gets hit by car*
Friend: HOLY SHIT ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: I need.. My phone.. Please..
*opens Twitter*
Me:YALL WON’T BELIEVE WHAT JUST HAPPENED

@XplodingUnicorn

4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?

Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?

4: No reason.

@asimplesean

I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.

@Donna_McCoy

I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.

@coryrichardson_

cashier: you need to pay for that candy bar

me: i don’t have any money

cashier: then put it back

me: *sliding him 20 dollars* how about we keep this between us