@LlamaInaTux

Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes

Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-

Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one

Me:

Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards

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@SteveSuckington

“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”

-guy who discovered milk

@SoulYodeler

When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.

@squirrel74wkgn

Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.

@McNevich

Sometimes I’ll flush a few slices of pizza down the toilet just to let the Ninja Turtles know I miss them

@Quartzjixler

I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.

– smokers

@3sunzzz

*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*

@Schmoodles

High cholesterol food will always have a special place in my heart.

@WilliamAder

Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.

@portmanteauface

September in New England: what a beautiful season, it’s amazing to see how vibrant nature can be as the warm respite of summer gives way to the elegant cool of autumn

November in New England: maybe if I get lucky that old dead maple will fall on me and kill me