My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
You Might Also Like
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.