GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
You Might Also Like
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die