GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
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Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
I’ll be mad as hell!
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me