Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
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Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
Ape together strong
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
two people or more is called a problem
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
Someone just threatened to call me later
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.