GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
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*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)