Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
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His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…