@TheAndrewNadeau

GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!

GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?

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@SlothSlouch

Therapist: And what do we do when we feel like this?

Me: Summon an elder god to wreak havoc on our enemies!

Therapist: No.

@mommajessiec

5yo: Mom is 47!

Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.

Me: I’m 37.

@AshadAndrews

I tried to cook something from scratch..and ended up summoning a demon.

@sixfootcandy

My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.

@pilau

“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%

“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%

@VodkaThursday

Just sang & made up multiple lyrics w/ actions to “If you’re happy & u know it” for thirty minutes… In case u need help writing that novel

@HorryPuttor

“Your password is weak”

You’re the weak one
And you’ll never know love
Or friendship
And I feel sorry for you

@TitaniumToplass

DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?

@Paxochka

I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.