GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!

GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?

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Therapist: And what do we do when we feel like this?

Me: Summon an elder god to wreak havoc on our enemies!

Therapist: No.


5yo: Mom is 47!

Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.

Me: I’m 37.


I tried to cook something from scratch..and ended up summoning a demon.


My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.


“I’m sorry”:
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%

↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%


Just sang & made up multiple lyrics w/ actions to “If you’re happy & u know it” for thirty minutes… In case u need help writing that novel


“Your password is weak”

You’re the weak one
And you’ll never know love
Or friendship
And I feel sorry for you


DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?


I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.