guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
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I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.