Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
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Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
The days of good grammer has went
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.