When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
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I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
Doug is just Canadian for dog
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.