@daemonic3

[guy who’s about to invent croutons]

*eating salad* i wish this hurt

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@NotARatsAss

Tried to make a video seductively licking the frosting from an Oreo, but got excited and ate the whole thing. Twenty times.

@JohnHilsen

Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.

@gengen874

Went on a date once.

He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”

I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”

@GinRumMe

Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.

@Jake_Vig

If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.

@mattZillaaaa

It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.

@LennoxTruman

“Sure it’s a dental PRACTICE, but dont fret, I know what I’m doing. Open wide.”
*opens wide*
“Ok which ones are the teeths? Where are teeth”

@MaraWritesStuff

I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone

I mean, who TALKS on the phone

@TheBoydP

Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…