@daemonic3

[guy who’s about to invent croutons]

*eating salad* i wish this hurt

[guy who’s about to invent croutons]

*eating salad* i wish this hurt

- @daemonic3

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@heapsOhate

Him: Could you be any more annoying?

Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.

@bornmiserable

Me: This is a nice, quiet neighborhood.
Real estate agent: This is a cemetery.
Me: I’ll take it.

@Its_Just_Reese

[summoning my first demon]

ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.

MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?

@Vodkantots

Imagine falling in love with someone and then discovering that he has faith in humanity.

@LoveNLunchmeat

If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.

@johnbiehl

Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-

*saxophone solo*

INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.

@tinatbh

All my friends look like a Victoria’s Secret model and I look like a Victoria sponge cake

@NewDadNotes

Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.

Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.

Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.

Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.