Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
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I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
Penguins walking in 5x speed
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.