[guy who’s about to invent croutons]

*eating salad* i wish this hurt

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Tried to make a video seductively licking the frosting from an Oreo, but got excited and ate the whole thing. Twenty times.


Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.


Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.


Went on a date once.

He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”

I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”


Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.


If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.


It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.


“Sure it’s a dental PRACTICE, but dont fret, I know what I’m doing. Open wide.”
*opens wide*
“Ok which ones are the teeths? Where are teeth”


I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone

I mean, who TALKS on the phone


Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…