Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
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If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
I might carry a baby with one hand.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
I’m pretty like a car crash.
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”