[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
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9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.