*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
[guy who’s about to invent parties]
*drinking alone* i wish this was worse
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Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
Dad: Want a donut?
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.