[guy who’s about to invent parties]

*drinking alone* i wish this was worse

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Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”


[showing my pool to a friend] and this is my hole, it’s where i keep too much water


Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards


All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.


Just spent $243.57 at the grocery store so the check out girl didn’t think I was just buying KY and condoms.


Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD


Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder


Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.


[meeting to name the brownie]
“How about baked chocolate cake?”
“Yummy choccy bake?”
Guy who named the orange: I have an idea…