@robots_feel

[guy who’s about to invent parties]

*drinking alone* i wish this was worse

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@NowAPisces

Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”

@themiltron

[showing my pool to a friend] and this is my hole, it’s where i keep too much water

@Smooheed

Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards

@iamk1ts

All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.

@Tuna_Lover

Just spent $243.57 at the grocery store so the check out girl didn’t think I was just buying KY and condoms.

@daemonic3

Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD

@Dutch_50

Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder

@poutinesmoothie

Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.

@jazmasta

[meeting to name the brownie]
“How about baked chocolate cake?”
“Nah”
“Yummy choccy bake?”
“No”
Guy who named the orange: I have an idea…