ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
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If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.