@robots_feel

[guy who’s about to invent parties]

*drinking alone* i wish this was worse

You Might Also Like

@HeyoShellz

Target employee: Describe your lost item

Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside

@LuckoftheDraw86

Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…

It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.

Amen.

@Fred_Delicious

[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”

@SufficientCharm

Dad: Want a donut?

Me: YES!

Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.

Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.

@AmandaRNH

Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.

@ParasiteHilton

Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!

Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.

*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*

@TylerLinkin

My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.

@IamJackBoot

When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.

Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.

Her: He liked to ride fish?!

It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.