@robots_feel

[guy who’s about to invent parties]

*drinking alone* i wish this was worse

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@ghostkrogh

mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth

@WhatevaConc

No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.

@GoldenSpirals

I’ll pronounce vegan “veegan”,

when vegetables become “veegetables”.

@stockejock

You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma

@upsidedowntrash

WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks

@treydayway

“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.

@mishakey

I found some dignity. If no one claims it in 24 hours, I’m keeping it.

@_davidlucas_

If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.

@trojansauce

[being held back from my burning house by firemen]

get off me you bastar- MY VIN DIESEL BODY PILLOW IS STILL IN THERE

@iwearaonesie

If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore