mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
[guy who’s about to invent parties]
*drinking alone* i wish this was worse
You Might Also Like
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
I’ll pronounce vegan “veegan”,
when vegetables become “veegetables”.
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
ME: Say his name.
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
I found some dignity. If no one claims it in 24 hours, I’m keeping it.
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
[being held back from my burning house by firemen]
get off me you bastar- MY VIN DIESEL BODY PILLOW IS STILL IN THERE
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore