[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
You Might Also Like
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
What the hell happened here.
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed