[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]

*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this

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I totally get your eyebrows.

My bank account is overdrawn, too.


The most embarrassing part about farting myself awake was that it was the most interesting aspect of my PowerPoint presentation.


To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?


Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.

Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.

Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.


‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.


Finally thought of a retort to my bro’s friend who kicked me from his car in 1998
I don’t need your Camero anyway Ricky MY LIFE is a joyride


*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? ? Y ? N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? ? Y ? N


Just saw a car with a license plate that says FLSH ME. Ok, douche. What are you, a dead goldfish? Flush yourself.


Everything I know about raising a family, I learned from watching the Addams Family.


*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel