[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
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It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
Lmfaoooooo
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.