I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
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The most embarrassing part about farting myself awake was that it was the most interesting aspect of my PowerPoint presentation.
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
Finally thought of a retort to my bro’s friend who kicked me from his car in 1998
I don’t need your Camero anyway Ricky MY LIFE is a joyride
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? ? Y ? N
CR: Are u a selfish prick? ? Y ? N
Just saw a car with a license plate that says FLSH ME. Ok, douche. What are you, a dead goldfish? Flush yourself.
Everything I know about raising a family, I learned from watching the Addams Family.
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel