I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
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me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.