@existential_d

[guy who’s about to invent the cauldron]

*holding a saucepan* i wish this was spooky

[guy who’s about to invent the cauldron]

*holding a saucepan* i wish this was spooky

- @existential_d

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@withanewname

The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.

@KeetPotato

*gives gf a small gift wrapped box*
“aww what’s this, youre so sweet”
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YOU DONT LIVE HERE KAREN

@withanewname

Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!

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Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.

@KentWGraham

My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.

@WheelTod

Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.

@eric10F

“will you be paying with cash or credit?”
“Cash” *start playing “ring of fire” on my kazoo
*gets tackled by security*

@elle91

A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
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Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
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@badbanana

What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?