guy who’s about to repair my iPhone screen: may i have your passcode for testing?

Me: ..ya know what i don’t even want it fixed

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STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?

TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.

ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!


With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.


While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.


Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.


I bought myself two eggplants and so far neither has laid a single egg.


*Knocks down spider web*

Spider: Rude

*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*

Spider: Unbelievable


[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this


I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.


“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”


“Because you don’t b-”



[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther