Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
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I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
Bobby pin
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird