Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
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[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
Man sees the first Cat
Caveman: omg that sabertoothed tiger just mauled me. I’m gonna call him Mr. Bumblebottom and make him sleep with me
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
in marvel’s DEFENDERS, our heroes must combine their powers – being good at punching, punching people well, having strong punches, good punc
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.