Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ?? my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
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this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
I thought my daughter was coming in for a kiss, but she just wanted to glare at me from point blank range.
You should absolutely look gift horses in the mouth. Troy literally burned bc they didn’t. I even check regular horses. Can’t be too careful
Me: honey, can you call and check on this bill for me?
[1 day later]
Me: honey, did you make that call?
Husband: shoot I forgot, I will today!
[1 year later]
Husband: I made that call you asked me to do the other day.
The six stages
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
the nike cowboy boots marketing team in 1800s: just duel it
If opposites attract than why do women with clothes on always run away from me?