@huntigula

Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?

Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.

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@OhNoSheTwitnt

Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ?? my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.

@LittleMissAngr1

I thought my daughter was coming in for a kiss, but she just wanted to glare at me from point blank range.

@TheAndrewNadeau

You should absolutely look gift horses in the mouth. Troy literally burned bc they didn’t. I even check regular horses. Can’t be too careful

@Divergentmama

Me: honey, can you call and check on this bill for me?

Husband: sure!

[1 day later]

Me: honey, did you make that call?

Husband: shoot I forgot, I will today!

[1 year later]

Husband: I made that call you asked me to do the other day.

@BastardProphet

You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.

@AndrewNadeau0

{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!

@Parentpains

If opposites attract than why do women with clothes on always run away from me?