Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
You Might Also Like
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
Breaking news:
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories