Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
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The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.