guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
You Might Also Like
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
😂💯
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
beware of dog
(jukin media)
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.