@tastefactory

GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.

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@CandyEmpires

Your psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.

@JillianKarger

FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt

PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something

FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill

@ObscureGent

Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.

@sixfootcandy

Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.

@karanbirtinna

Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!

@1seat_theater

Finally watched an episode of America’s Got Talent and I disagree.

@Douchekevin

I eat the free samples at Costco for lunch every day.

I’m adding ‘enjoys eating out’ to my dating profile.