GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
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I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
me when i see my girls butt
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
i think both sides are to blame here