Your psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
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FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
Finally watched an episode of America’s Got Talent and I disagree.
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
I eat the free samples at Costco for lunch every day.
I’m adding ‘enjoys eating out’ to my dating profile.