GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
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Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
Hungover at 25: *Drinks Gatorade*
Hungover at 35: *Makes funeral arrangements*
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
My boyfriend isn’t allowed to have candles on his birthday cake…Wtf are you wishing for? All your dreams came true when you met me.
Smoked a cigar
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them