guy: you wanna take this outside?

me: yeah, let’s do this

[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]

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GF: I got M&M’s.

Me: I can’t eat those here.

GF: Why?

M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.


Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?

Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.


I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.


[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline


Hungover at 25: *Drinks Gatorade*

Hungover at 35: *Makes funeral arrangements*


Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.


My boyfriend isn’t allowed to have candles on his birthday cake…Wtf are you wishing for? All your dreams came true when you met me.


December 1st:
Smoked a cigar

December 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth


me: how do you like the future?

lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car

me: what is it?

lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them