guy: you wanna take this outside?

me: yeah, let’s do this

[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]

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Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.


I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.


Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.


Me: Compassion is my compass.
Him: We’ve been lost for 3 days and you gave your coat to a bear that looked cold.


If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now


My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….

I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.


I wonder if caterpillars know they’re gonna fly some day or they just start building a cocoon and are like ‘why am I doing this’.


Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.


HER: do you own any firearms

ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs