GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
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I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Any refunds available?…
I’m just playing devils avocado here
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.