Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
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My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
Me: Pretty sure my life just flashed before my eyes.
Trainer: You only did a single push-up.
Me: Call my mother and tell her I love her.
In my defense, my response to her inquiry as to how my day was going was “I’m less stabby than normal” not “Please tell me about your cat.”
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
Boss: Is… everyone here?
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
Her: Why did you cancel your gym membership?
Me: There were some changes in the vending machines that I didn’t agree with
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.