Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
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cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.