Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
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[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*