Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
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[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
The best plant holders?
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.