No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
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Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
“what’s you’re biggest weakness?”
“sorry i couldn-”
I CANT CONTROL MY VOLUME
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
If two people love each other nothing is impossible…
Except deciding where to eat.
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.