Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
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It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer