Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
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Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
When the stylist spins you back around
no
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet