Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
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as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
every college guy’s fridge
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit