Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@doooiiiit

I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.

@simoncholland

Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.

@jackiembouvier

My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.

@TheHyyyype

[ice fishing]

*pulling on rod* whoa nelly that’s a big ice

@ChipKellysBalls

WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer

@Parentpains

Sorry I can’t attend your Facebook event, I’ll be busy throwing myself off a cliff that day.

@str8upjuggahos

I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8

@_NTFG_

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

@curlycomedy

You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.

@Tharin_P

I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.