@inmynewskin
Let your girlfriend know how much you love her by screeching loudly like a pterodactyl whenever she talks.
@LindzThoughts
Guys are probably not very good at Yoga, mainly because every move for them would be called ” The uncomfortable Sausage”
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@inmynewskin
@Ant_F3ltz
Elon should have named his baby Jovan…
@InternetHippo
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
@fennecmedic
@dimplesticks
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
@TheSharona06
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
@PaperWash
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
@novicefather
Hey girl, how ’bout some head?
– Henry VIII
@davidkenny100
Pal: wanna impress your wife? Girls love a guy that shaves downstairs
Later
Wife: David! Why is there hair all over the coffee table!?
@OneFunnyMummy
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.