It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
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Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
wtf is a larm clock?
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
Ugh
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy