@morninggloria

Guys can we please civil war somewhere with shade? It’s really hot and some people want to bring their dogs

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@daemonic3

[pharmacy]

“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”

PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?

“No thanks, I already believe in children”

@MsTexas1967

Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you

@Jamberee13

Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?

Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter

@EddieHarris216

It feels weird when someone congratulates me for quitting smoking, because it’s something nobody should do to their body.

Congrats on not drinking bleach!
Me: Thanks. It’s tough, but the Clorox patch helped.

@mattokine

I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.

@RedheadChaos

Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..

~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand

@oxygenplug

Can’t wait for the release of Jurassic Park 4D where they just let dinosaurs loose in the theater and you have to try to survive for 2 hours

@PAT_E_ROCK

I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!

@NoTheOtherJohn

[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what