Guys can we please civil war somewhere with shade? It’s really hot and some people want to bring their dogs

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“exorcise” and “exercise” sound alike because they’re both the work of the Devil


Women denied dating me long before Moby made it cool


Got a cut on my arm, someone on Facebook sent me healing vibes and PRESTO! two weeks later the cut fully healed this is not a joke people


I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.

I rate it one star..


I’m so glad I found Twitter…I finally have a rock solid Alibi for my Google Search History!



Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.

Her: K


[I am wearing a wedding gown at work]

BOSS: Do you have a minute to chat in my office?

ME: [lifting veil] I do


*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”


[tied up by the mafia]
any last requests?
“yes, let me go”
[still gets killed despite finding a loophole cuz the mafia arent very nice]