@NoogsCorner

Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.

You Might Also Like

@lucascomedian

I am so sorry to hear about your grandma… I know what you’re going through my phone dies all the time.

@junejuly12

Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.

@iinkedZombie

My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”

@causticbob

5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.

@Thedudish

Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.

@Sephira

2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.

@ComedicBust

The older you get, the more you realize cancelled plans are better than sex.

@duplicitron

Probably the rudest thing you can do to a stingray is catch it with a fishing pole and then fly it like a kite.

@JohnLyonTweets

Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!

Band: *plays Freebird*

Me: Well that backfired.

@rachelle_mandik

HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.