Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
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Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
[commercial for IKEA]
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