MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
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Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
Interviewer: You’re hired..
Me: Thank you so much! You won’t live to regret this..
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
The more laundry I do, the less nudists seem crazy to me.
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
Wrestling is obviously fake. Why would they fight for a belt when they don’t wear pants?
If the new Instagram logo makes you upset, wait until you hear about child soldiers in central Africa.
I don’t hate children, just yours.