Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
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*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice