Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
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I heard that Oxygen and Magnesium are going out. I was like OMg.
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
[introducing you to my family]
“this is my son Carson, my daughter Boatdaughter, & our dog Motorcyclepet”
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
game of thrones bt it’s my family fighting over who will sit in grandma’s chair while watching t.v. After she dies.
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
If you’re ever on death row, request Denny’s for your last meal so you can live an extra year waiting on your order.
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive