Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
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Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.